第二节翳散晖生
2015 年末，顾影怜辞去了灵启展示有限公司的工作。离职那天，她为同事们送上咖啡以表离别之情。
乔远瞧见她，微笑着说道：“顾影怜，想必是寻到了更有发展前景的公司吧？人往高处走，这我完全理解。加油，咱们后会有期！”
顾影怜心里想的却是：“后会无期。”这里有太多关于迈克的回忆了。
她即将入职上海锦枝园艺工程有限公司，负责内刊《锦绣园艺》的编辑工作。新工作的薪资并不比灵启展示有限公司高，且是否会频繁加班也未可知。
黄一翔也走上前来，感慨道：“顾影怜，在灵启这段日子，虽说工作辛苦，可咱们团队齐心协力，也打造出不少出色的项目。设计行业嘛，不加班的公司实在少见。往后多保重！”
陈英君满心不舍，走上前给了顾影怜一个温暖的拥抱，在她耳畔轻声说道：“你要是觅得好地方，可得跟我说一声，咱们再做同事！”
陈新喝着顾影怜送的咖啡，一脸热忱地开口：“顾影怜，只要你以后还在展陈行业，咱们保不齐在投标会上就碰上了，到时候一定请你吃饭！”
众人皆揣度，她决然离去，不过是受够了那没完没了的加班工作。可唯有她自己清楚，真正的缘由，是想避开那如影随形的回忆，不愿触景生情。在灵启展示设计公司工作期间，她与迈克偶然相逢，自此，一段甜蜜却最终心碎的初恋拉开帷幕。如今，她的心仿若一座冰冷的坟茔，里面住着那早已逝去却又鲜活在记忆中的未亡人。往昔的回忆如影随形，每一次触及都似利刃割心。她深知，唯有决然离去，方能在远离那些熟悉场景与气息的时光里，让蚀骨的痛苦稍稍减轻分毫，寻得一丝喘息的机会。
就这样，顾影怜在上海锦枝园艺工程有限公司开启了新征程。她未曾料到，身为企业内刊编辑，竟有诸多事务缠身。公司动态与行业资讯，她需时刻留意；采编校工作，她一人承担。不仅如此，还得周旋于公司内部各部门间，对不善交际的她而言，这着实煎熬。因锦枝园艺规模颇大，国内多地设有分支机构，顾影怜还常需出差，外出采编新闻。
有一天，顾影怜出差回来，刚到办公室，公司文化总监唐强就一脸怒容地进来了。他快步走到顾影怜桌前，“啪”地一声将一本《锦枝园艺》拍在桌上。
“顾影怜，你知道自己干了什么吗？”唐强厉声地说。
顾影怜被这突如其来的怒火吓了一跳，茫然地抬起头。
“刘总跟我说，你写的那篇销售经验分享，把他讲得像个门外汉！用词不当，曲解原意，还把他私下说的玩笑话当成正式发言。”唐强皱着眉，语气中满是责备。
顾影怜盯着唐强的蓝色领带，突然想起上周四的采访——刘总边喝咖啡边笑谈“刚入行时连报价单都做不利索”。她轻声地说：“我只是如实记录。况且，刊发前我给他看过终稿的。他还说……”
“他还说‘不错’是不是？” 唐强突然提高音量，隔壁工位传来键盘敲击声的短暂停顿，“你连场面话都听不出来？刘总是公司销售的定海神针，他分享经验是给新人铺路，不是让你写成职场笑话！”
“这次影响太坏了。” 唐强扯松领带，“现在整个销售部都在议论，说刘总被自己人捅刀子。你知道上个月表彰会上他怎么说的？‘顾影怜的笔杆子，就是咱们公司的金字招牌。’”
“去给刘总道歉。明天晨会前把修改方案放在我桌上。” 唐强狠狠瞪她一眼，转身大步离开，旋即转身迈开大步离去，临走时还用力地摔上了门，发出“砰”的一声巨响。
顾影怜呆坐在座位上，眼眶泛红，满心委屈却又不知所措。
此时，隔壁工位的平面设计师温晓兰忍不住说道：“咱俩在这公司食物链的底端，谁都能来指点一二。刘总自己接受采访时都这么说过，事后还不认账。还有工程部的曹总，上次明明是他提供的图片质量不好，一堆照片里挑不出一张像样的，还非说是我的问题。”温晓兰今年二十三岁，刚大学毕业不久。她接着安慰顾影怜：“顾姐，你别往心里去，去给刘总道个歉，咱们心里清楚他是什么货色就行。”
新工作带来诸多挑战，可闲暇之余，顾影怜思绪总会不由自主飘向迈克。有些夜晚，她在异乡出差，无论是坐在火车上，还是躺在酒店的床铺上，抑或是在办公室内，只要想到他，泪水便无声地滑落。她的心，就像那涅川县的露天大矿坑，被炸药掀去半壁山体，赭红色矿渣在底部凝结成凝固的浪。在这蓬勃炽热的人间，她却似遭了永冻，困于孤寒与岑寂的永夜。唯有梦是鲜活的，在梦里，她与他相伴，在无垠的大海上航行，永不稍作停留。
她写了一首诗Trapped in Ice，表达了她的这种心境：
The wind is howling around me
But it can't inflict more harm
I've been trapped in ice for years
Neither dead nor yet alive
Neither seen nor ever heard
I'm in an endless dream
In the dream we're venturing to the sea, time after time
The tempest smashes our boat
The sharks pursue their prey
That's just another day in paradise
Keep sailing
We're each other's land
The vast sea is our domain
The raging waves are our ride
The colorful coral grove is our graveyard
I've been trapped in ice for years
This is his cruel deed
He left me in a frigid winter
Sealed me in the ice that never thaws
But I'm just an empty husk here
I can never be complete
I'm always roaming that sea with him
When the night grows dark and long
The waves cradle our boat to the rhythm of whale's song
We stand at the bow to greet the dawn
在有的梦里，她仿佛踏上了一条寻找迈克的漫漫长路，每一步都带着期待与执着。而在这场无形的追逐游戏里，迈克如同狡黠的猎手，不时给她留下一些线索，撩拨着她的心弦，却又似风般缥缈，无论她如何急切追赶，始终无法将他牢牢抓住。她的Drift Into Fantasy一诗，就描绘了这种幻想：
It's hard to keep myself well - anchored
For he lives in that never - never land
He might never pass right by my door
Even if the universe turns upside down
All our vanity has gone into exile
There's no need to stay and wait here
Watching just another passerby
There's no need to search for a shelter
For the storm will always find a way to strike
I'm ready to take off for another wild ride
Fireworks light up the night sky
I must leave the past far behind
I'll walk a tightrope and sleep in ice - cold water
I'll feed on dew and a single flower
I'll thrive in an imaginary, dark - hued kingdom
Hush the reality, let the fantasy ring
I'll hunt for him without a single weapon
He'll always leave a clue yet manage to escape
On the same dangerous path we'll journey and travel
Beneath the same breathtaking moon we'll let out a howl
就这样，她于两种心境间痛苦徘徊、反复挣扎。一边是理智的告诫：“莫要再念他，念他不过平增哀愁，徒碍我开启新生。” 另一边是情感的沉溺：“不如仍在幻想中与他相伴，畅享快乐冒险，至少那虚幻里，尚有一抹幸福可寻。” 如此，时间便在这无尽的纠结中悄然流逝。
2016年的一个春夜，顾影怜的邮箱里出现了一封来自迈克的邮件：“Hello，my little eagle.”这封简单的邮件，就像一把钥匙，瞬间打开了那扇尘封的情感之门。
第二天晚上，她又收到一封信：“My little Eagle is angry at me and does not like to reply anymore?”
她还是没有回信。过了一小时，又来了一封信：“During this period when we were out of touch, I went back to the USA. I was diagnosed with cancer, and all my work came to a halt. I underwent several surgeries and a series of chemotherapy treatment. Now, I have basically recovered, and I'm back in Shanghai to start working again. Don't be mad, I haven't forgotten about you, my little eagle.”
她震惊了。迈克生病了？她回信了：“Why didn’t you tell me that you got sick? Were you alone when you were sick? Did you have anyone to take care of you?”
迈克回信：“I am a challenging friend to have. Being alone isn't so bad when you’re sick... at least I’m not burdening anyone when I'm feeling unwell or going through a tough time... I don’t want to drag anyone down. My father was the same way... whenever he was sick, he would withdraw and handle it on his own until the flu, migraine, or whatever problem was over.”
原来，他并非厌倦了她，亦非绝情抛弃，只是身染沉疴，悄然躲了起来。刹那间，她死寂的心仿若重获生机，再度盈满希望。此刻，她满心只盼能即刻与他相见，紧紧相拥，轻声安慰，亦向他诚挚致歉，只因在他最为艰难之际，她未能相伴身侧，反倒在远方暗自心生怨怼。如今，除了不顾一切地奔向他，去安抚他那饱经磨难的身心，她又怎会有其他选择呢？她迅速回复了他的邮件，并附上自己的联系电话和办公地址。
第二天下班的时候，顾影怜踏出公司大门。刹那间，她目光定住 —— 迈克正站在不远处，左手持一束花，右手撑一把伞。他一头白发刺目，身形清瘦，脸上刻满岁月痕迹，曾经合身的西装，如今松松垮垮地挂在身上。两人对望，一时竟无语凝噎。多年的悠悠思念、蚀骨痛苦与满心愧疚，在相逢的这一瞬间，恰似火山喷发般汹涌而出，化作了那不顾一切、疯狂热烈的拥抱。他们的吻，炽热而决绝，仿佛要从彼此的身躯中，寻回那失散已久、遗落的灵魂。
二人拥吻良久，方缓缓松开，沿着人行道并肩而行。清风徐来，草木的芬芳扑面而来。
迈克停下脚步，率先打破沉默道：“影怜，你工作的地方很漂亮，像花园一样。”
顾影怜浅笑道：“这是园艺公司，自然要展现园艺之美。”
迈克接着说：“你知我一向追求完美。当年身患重疾，形容憔悴，实在不愿你见我那般狼狈。”
顾影怜眼中泪光闪烁，声音略带哽咽：“迈克，你活着，便好。”
迈克微微皱眉，神色凝重，轻声叹息：“不知何时，病魔或许又会卷土重来。”
顾影怜缓缓伸出手，轻柔地握住迈克的手，目光中满是复杂与决然，缓缓说道：“迈克，你可曾想过，为何我从不问及你的家庭，也不愿了解你身边是否有其他女子？只因我内心满是惶恐，害怕从你口中得知那些会将我推向绝望深渊的真相。我宁愿沉浸在这短暂易逝的幸福之中，即便这份幸福如同梦幻泡影，稍纵即逝。”
迈克听闻此言，喉间似被千钧之物哽住，想要倾诉的话语汹涌于舌尖，却又被无尽的酸涩与愧疚堵住。他眼眶泛红，再也抑制不住内心的波澜，缓缓将顾影怜紧紧拥入怀中，滚烫的泪水潸然而下，悄然滑落在顾影怜的肩头。
夜幕低垂，迈克的公寓内，迈克从身后揽住顾影怜，两人立于窗前，静眺窗外夜色。绵绵春雨之中，城市里灯火万点，交相辉映。迈克俯首轻吻顾影怜的脖颈，温热的手掌缓缓撩起她的上衣。顾影怜闭目木立，心中交织着些许的怨艾、迟疑与隐痛。然而，迈克指尖的触碰，终如火星溅落，点燃了她心底的烈焰。她转身面向他，踮起脚尖，仰起头颅，试图亲吻他。奈何身高悬殊，她难以如愿。迈克遂将她抱起，轻放于床榻之上，急切地扯断她的衣扣。最终，两人仿若要将对方吞噬，温柔消弭，唯有炽烈的占有之欲，动作变得迫切而激烈，试图以此填补内心的缺失与惶惑。待激情如潮水般退却，她枕着他的手臂，确认这确是她的迈克。
迈克叹了口气道：“对不起。”
顾影怜道：“为什么？”
迈克道：“让你遇到我。”
顾影怜没作声。过了一会儿，她摸着他肚子上的手术疤痕，问：“你现在感觉怎么样？”
迈克道：“很好。”
顾影怜道：“什么很好呀？肝都切了三分之一。”
迈克道：“你知道吗，肝脏是可以再生的器官。”
顾影怜道：“疼不疼？”
迈克道：“一点点。”
顾影怜道：“也是。你这么冷血的人，怎么会感觉到疼呢？”
迈克一时语塞，过了一会，转移了话题：“影怜，你还住在长乐路吗？”
顾影怜道：“我搬到曹杨路了，租了一间酒店公寓。公寓很小，只有一个卧室和卫生间，加起来还没有你的卧室的一半大。”
迈克道：“哪天带我去看看。”
顾影怜道：“你去了都没有地方坐。”
迈克道：“你没有床吗？”
顾影怜道：“我的床也很小，一只床脚还坏了，我用书本叠成小垛将就支撑着，你要是去了，一坐床，怕是把我的床也坐塌了。”
迈克道：“你为什么住那里？”
顾影怜道：“当时，长乐路的房东急于售房，催促我们尽快搬离。另外两位女孩已寻得新住处，结伴而居，而我则独自一人。我之所以选择此处，是贪图其单人居住的清静，即便下班再晚归，也不会搅扰到他人。几年前，我的父亲患了癌症，动了手术，花光了我所有的积蓄。如今，父亲需常年服药，医药费皆由我承担。我实在无力租住更好的房子。”
迈克道：“你是个好女儿。”
顾影怜道：“不算是。我没有能力更好地孝敬父母。”
迈克道：“你尽力了。”
停顿了一会，迈克又说：“影怜，我可以帮你。”
顾影怜道：“不用你帮。我就喜欢活得苦大仇深的。”
迈克道：“什么是苦大仇深？”
顾影怜道：“苦大仇深的意思是指劳动人民遭受阶级剥削、压迫的苦情极大，对剥削阶级的仇恨极深。”
迈克笑道：“你大可不必这么苦大仇深的。”
顾影怜白了他一眼，叫道：“哎，老男人，你莫非以为我需要你的钱？你以为我上班只是为了那几个钱？我可以选择和五六个女孩挤一间屋子，也可以住进五平米的酒店公寓，我挤地铁、公交，在公司与老板、同事周旋，去偏僻之地出差，被客户指着鼻子骂，甚至进工厂、下农村、下矿井。我喜欢这样的生活，苦中作乐，有欢笑、有哭泣、有愤怒、有悲伤，因为我能见到各种生活在底层的人，这都是我未来成为大作家的必经之路！”
看着迈克张大的眼睛，顾影怜接着说：“天将降大任于是人也，必先苦其心志，劳其筋骨，饿其体肤，空乏其身，行拂乱其所为，所以动心忍性，增益其所不能。”
迈克道：“这是什么意思？”
顾影怜道：“这句话是中国著名的先贤孟子说的，意思是上天将要下达重大责任给这样的人，一定要先使他们的内心痛苦，使他们的筋骨劳累，使他经受饥饿，使他受到贫困之苦，使他做事不顺，用这些来使他的心惊动，使他的性格坚强起来，增加他所不具备的才能。”
迈克笑了：“孟子告诉你，遇到困难也不寻求帮助吗？”
顾影怜道：“你不也一样？你生病了，为什么不告诉我？”她停顿了一会，又说：“况且我还不需要帮助。”她歪着脑袋，又想了会，说：“唐代大诗人杜甫说过，文章憎命达。这句话的意思是，有文才的人往往命运多舛，这就是成就锦绣文章的必然代价。”
迈克道：“也有人生比较平顺的大文人。德国作家歌德，你知道吗？”
顾影怜道：“知道。我读过他写的《浮士德》。但是，在文人群体中，命运坎坷的文人比例远高于命运平坦的文人，这是不争的事实。”
迈克道：“好吧，算你赢了。”
顾影怜沉默了一会儿，趴在迈克身上说：“求求你，以后不要离开我了。”
迈克道：“刚才你坚强如钢，怎的，此刻却如此脆弱？”
顾影怜笑道：“我喜欢你嘛。”
迈克道：“我也喜欢你。”
顾影怜轻轻地吻了迈克一下。
迈克道：“Forget not our solemn covenant sworn/Two specks of dust, to brave life's gales and be borne.”
两人紧紧地拥抱在一起，良久无语。
没过多久，两人又回归各自的轨道。迈克因术后修养积压的工作如山般堆叠，不得不连续几周加班加点地补救；而作为职场人的顾影怜，也全身心投身于《锦枝园艺》内刊的编撰工作。最令他们珍视的仍是书信往来，每当暮色浸染窗棂，案头台灯亮起时，铺开信纸的瞬间，恰似忙完一天后归家，向另一半细说今日所遇。这种亲密感，是电话、无法短信企及的。
以下是他们在此期间的部分通信选录：
【邮件1】
My little eagle,
I am in a wedding.
I hate going to weddings. I never understand why people need weddings. Love between two people is a very private thing and should remain private. In America, wedding is just another opportunity for people to "party" but in fact very boring...
The best wedding I attended was in Arizona for my friend who decided to have an American Indian ceremony. He had the ceremony at the crater of a volcano and we all watched the sunset in the desert... Very beautiful and poetic.
If I ever got married, I would love to have the ceremony in outer space.... But that is just a dream.
Mike
My mysterious man,
Where are you doing now?
I'm currently on a business trip in Nanjing, covering our company's urban park horticultural design project for Jinzhi Gardening magazine. The moment I stepped into this emerald necklace woven by plane tree canopies, I was captivated by its splendor – terraced flower borders winding along the terrain, hidden streams murmuring through shaded paths. This inspired a whimsical thought: imagine if young professionals worked just four-hour days! They could then wander these gardens while daylight lingers, feeling nature's pulse through pine whispers and bamboo rustles. Alas, as evening light gilds the pavilions, it's still the silver-haired generation occupying most benches.
Your little eagle
【邮件2】
My little eagle,
In that case I kind of agree with you.
But I think it's possible to be that and also a nice person.
Actually, I don't think you're the type to be easily persuaded. But I do believe you should stand your ground more often – your innovative ideas are far too valuable not to be brought to life.
I have been pre-occupied with a museum competition in Tianjin .
We are now working on refining our design for a meeting with the local cultural and tourism officials at the end of May.
Mike
My mysterious man,
A few days ago I watched the documentary iGenius: How Steve Jobs Changed the World. It reinforced my belief that success favors the fanatical. Fanatics possess an unshakable resolve to reject mediocrity, transforming audacious dreams into tangible reality through unyielding perseverance. Their laser-like focus dismantles obstacles, reshaping industries while others settle for incremental progress.
In stark contrast, I find myself yielding too readily to persuasion. Whenever others present counterarguments, I abandon my vision without resistance. This lack of tenacity means my ideas often stagnate on paper rather than materializing into action. Perhaps there's a harsh truth: to achieve greatness, one must cultivate the ruthless determination to prioritize the end goal over momentary comfort or social approval.
Your little eagle
【邮件3】
My little eagle,
I take it that's good, a building that evokes the feeling of being "on water or on the air".
If the building looks like its on the ground, it must be too conventional and not too interesting???
I do not like things that appear to be rooted.
I like the sensation Floating, it is the ultimate expression of freedom !
Mike
My mysterious man,
Upon viewing the attached photo, the structure appears to hover above the water like a mirage. Was this weightless illusion intentional? It feels as though the entire building could drift away with the next ripple.
Your little eagle
【邮件4】
My little eagle,
I am in Germany developing some new projects.
I think to be creative is to find the "inner child" in all of us. That is very important to my approach to life. As you know, I am a person of "extremes", so I would say I was both extroverted (with my friends) and introverted (when I am alone).
It is important that I live life to the fullest. In that regard, I do not like to spend too much time in the office.
I like to see movie, have dinner with my friends, and do my sports etc. I enjoy being in nature to balance out the life in the big city like LA. I imagine it's the same in Shanghai (or any developing cities in China).
But my mind is always working, imagining things and being creative....
So (again) I am lazy but also "workaholic" at the same time.
Mike
My mysterious man,
I’ve got a few questions for you. What do you believe lies at the heart of creativity? Would you describe yourself as introverted or extroverted? Do you enjoy working in an office environment? And do you consider yourself a workaholic??
Your little eagle
【邮件5】
My little eagle,
I just returned to LA from Paris.
Goodness, what a beautiful poem! My little eagle, you’re truly a poet – your words carry a melancholic aura reminiscent of Wong Kar-wai’s films. Though perhaps you could add a bit more hope? Thank you for sharing your dream and your poem with me.
I told you that I never remember my "dreams", maybe I "dream" in my "work"? Even IF I remembered my dreams, I don't think I would share it with my friends. I think dreams are very private. In your case, maybe you should write a book about your dreams?
Mike
My mysterious man,
How are you?
Last night I dreamt of being aboard a ghost ship on a moonless night. All the crew members had died, save the captain. "We'll never reach the shore," he said, his voice echoing eerily across the empty deck. I wrote this dream into a poem titled Ghost Ship and am sending it to you to read:
Ghost Ship
I lingered long on a ghost ship
Weathered the storm and resisted the sinking fate
There was thunder, lightning, and torrential rain
There were dead bodies, skeletons, and screaming phantoms
Everything was frightening yet refreshing
I sat at the dinner table with dead guests
Tried to imagine a long-gone happy scene
When the night was young and the spirit strong
When laughter echoed loud and the air brisk
The thought of dining with the dead never crossed my mind
I stood at the bow with the phantom captain
Followed his gaze to rolling black clouds
He said we'd never reach the shore
All that happened here was logged
Our story became the framework
The living world lay thousands of miles away
I needed years to sail from this raging sea
But how could I leave this ghost ship?
The dead were all I had
The living world—vast, empty, strange, and lonely
Your little eagle
【邮件6】
My little eagle,
Yes, it has been quite some time since my last email. I'm back in Cambridge, MA. My teaching at Harvard started last week. I am enjoying my teaching at Harvard. I like being back in an academic environment, it is a very nice change of pace in my life. I go to Cambridge about every other week, and I stay in a small bed and breakfast inn just next to the old apartment where I lived as a student. It is very nostalgic for me.
I have 12 students, this is their last semester before their graduate thesis for Master degree. They came to LA last weekend and spend a day at our office and the rest of the time visiting architecture and museums in LA. I think they had a good time, and hopefully an informative experience.
I hope you are feeling better from your sickness. Also, you should go to the hospital to get your heart checked to catch any problems early and deal with them promptly. Please take care of yourself, okay?
Mike
My mysterious man,
It's been ages since I heard from you. Where are you? Are you okay? I hope everything's going well for you. I miss you so much.
I haven't been feeling well lately – there's this persistent ache in my chest that comes and goes. These past few days, I've also come down with a bad cold. It's been rough.
Your little eagle
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